


Understanding

by caitrionabh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: and might have the faintest shadow of the start of kagehina but only if you squint, this is super self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 04:01:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4772750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caitrionabh/pseuds/caitrionabh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A self-indulgent glimpse into Kageyama's head from the disastrous middle school game to that first 3v3, during which time he learns to understand how Oikawa grew and how he can grow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding

As he watched his team stand on the court from the sidelines Kageyama thought back a year, and for the first time since Oikawa had lashed out so unexpectedly he understood.

He didn’t forgive. But he understood.

Almost.

After all, Oikawa had found someone to blame for his removal from the court, hadn’t he? As yet, Kageyama could only find himself to blame. He’d done it to himself.

Or had he?

All he’d wanted was for his team to win. To be there when they did. He wanted to help his teammates, to help them grow and win, even if he wasn’t sure how.

Why didn’t they understand that?

Why did they leave?

And there was fury then, white-hot and ripping through numb disbelief. He wanted to scream, to run, to explode. He wanted to grab his teammates and shake them, yell at them, even hit them to make them understand.

He understood.

They lost the game, and Kageyama lost his joy.

There had always been an excitement to volleyball for him, a challenge worth pursuing. There was joy in it.

No longer.

The drive was still there, a burning need to succeed, a determination to keep going, keep winning, but the joy, the excitement, the love was gone.

It was hollow, lonely.

For a while Kageyama thought it might be better this way. He could train and improve himself without needing to rely on or concern himself with others. As long as he wasn’t leaning on anyone, no one could let him down.

And if he sometimes woke from dreams of being lost and afraid, alone in the dark, no one had to know.

And then it was ruined.

It wasn’t even that Hinata actively tried to knock down his defenses, in fact, he probably didn’t even realize what he was doing. He was so dense he just knocked them over without even noticing they had been there.

Worst of all, he was useless! He might have been able to outrun Kageyama ten times over (not that he’d ever admit that) and jump inhumanly high, but how could that matter if he could only receive a ball with his face? But still, he kept going, kept trying until he wasn’t so useless anymore.

Then, knowing full well that Kageyama had next to no faith in him, he put his full trust in Kageyama, leaping with eyes closed, and thought nothing of it.

And it knocked a gaping hole in Kageyama’s armor.

He felt exposed. He felt overwhelmed. He felt afraid.

But then, underneath it all, he felt the beginnings of that excitement, the beginnings of that joy he used to associate with volleyball.

So when Hinata pulled him into his rhythm - the first of many times - Kageyama didn’t feel quite so alone.

And he understood.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry but it was stuck and needed out.


End file.
